Learning to Trust

It's written in black pen at an angle in the margins of a Bible. I don't remember writing it, but it's dated 9-15-06. Though it is not noted I must have been reading Psalm 37:3-7, because those are the verses which are highlighted and underlined alongside of it. It's a simple prayer, only 2 short sentences long, which I have no memory of praying. However, it is a prayer that God has been answering for over 2 1/2 years.

This is how it reads:

Dear God,
I want to trust You, but I find myself unable to.
Help me.

I look back over my life from the time I wrote this prayer and I can vividly see how God has answered this prayer...but in ways I never would have expected or even for that matter chosen for myself. I remember often being told in youth group to be careful when praying for patience because you never knew how God would answer that prayer. But no one ever said this about trust. I think I assumed that by praying for trust it would simply mean that God granted me the ability to trust Him. Kind of like He would flip a switch and I would automatically be able to trust Him. However, this prayer was not answered quite that simply. This prayer has taken me on a journey where in spite of desperate search of certainty in my life, I am constantly surrounded my uncertainty. Even though it has been two years since I prayed this prayer, God still is bringing to a place where I am able to trust Him, even it is painful.

I write all this to remind myself and anyone else reading that God does answer prayers, but He answers them in His way. Though I can in no way boast that I am now able to fully trust God, anyone who knows me knows that is a lie, but I have been reminded by rereading this pray tonight that God is faithful. By learning to trust Him His way I am being brought closer to Him as I have to cling to Him in times of uncertainty, which seem to be the theme of my life lately. But yesterday I was reminded that God is faithful during times of uncertainty, even when I am not.

I wrote in my last blog that myself and the other intern had been put in the position where we would require visas to enter Wales and only had a short time frame to do so. I have been so excited about this opportunity and to be honest it really felt like the only certain thing in my life. I have been struggling a lot with uncertainty about my future and in some relationships. And instead of turning to God and asking Him to help me trust Him, I found it easier to complain to Him. So when this occurred I did the same thing. I remember asking Him why does this have to uncertain along with everything else. With departure time nearing in on me, I really began to worry. But yesterday I received word that they had found another way for us to enter the country. I kind of feel silly now for getting so worried over something God clearly had already worked out.

My prayer for Wales and for my life in general right now is the same one I don't remember praying back in September 2006. As it says in Psalm 37:3-7 -

Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in Him and He will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for Him
do not fret when people succeed in their ways
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

God is faithful. I have reminded of this a lot lately, but I am trying my hardest to cling this promise. Though His ways are not my ways, I believe with all my heart He has things planned for that beyond my wildest imagination.

Dear God,
I want to trust You, but I find myself unable to.
Help me.