Sometimes someone else just says it better...

I just wanted to include the lyrics to Brandon Heath's song, "Trust You," because they seem to sum up how I feel in light of leaving for Wales in 2 days.

"Trust You" by Brandon Heath

I can’t walk without watching where I’m going
I can’t speak without knowing what to say
I can’t love without any hesitation, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way
I can’t reach without something to offer
I can’t come now, I am so ashamed
I can’t hold out for you any longer, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

It’s never easy changing direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary, of all my good intentions, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

Some days this weight upon my shoulders is my shame I know I should know better
‘Cause you say that I must now surrender, there’s no other way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
I needed life, you gave me yours
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, no good reason why
I shouldn’t trust you with mine

In less than 48 hours I'll be on my way to Wales, which is so hard to believe. Do I feel ready? Absolutely not...but I trust God. He is faithful.

6 Days :)

I leave in 6 days. I leave for Wales in 6 days. I cannot believe it. (though to be honest it will be 7 days until I am actually in Wales. Yay transatlantic flights!)...

It's also hard to believe that I've been home for almost 3 weeks. I probably tortured everyone I know with the phrase "I just want to be home" over the course of the last semester. And I'm not going to lie I had big expectations for this time at home. I truly expected this time at home before leaving for Wales to be the best. I had daydreamed so much about it that I had practically convinced myself this break could be any different than what I envisioned. However, this break was not what I expected. Not even close. I've been let down and I've definitely let myself down. This time at home will probably not go down as the greatest, but it has reminded me so much that my ways are not God's ways. And it has been a reminder in grace and trusting in God.

In regards to this break I do want to share some praises from being home thus far. I want to share them, but really I've been feeling really down and I want to remind myself of what God has done since I've been home.

Praises

• I've been praying that God would bring me to a place where I would be willing to go wherever He sends me. For those of you who know me, you know that for the longest time I was quite adamant that I would never return to Lake Placid to live and then within the last the only place I wanted to be was Lake Placid. Currently, I just want to go where God wants me. I love Lake Placid and would love to come back, but at the same time I wouldn't mind an adventure (not that LP isn't an adventure). I know wherever I go there He is.
• All my support and my visa situation got worked out, so I am able to leave for Wales on the 1st.
• I have honestly been encouraged by so many people since I've been home, the majority who had no idea what their words or time meant to me. The people who have surrounded me since I've been home may not have always been the ones whom I wanted, but it is a reminder of how God knows what I need so much more than I do. Just today I was encouraged by a wonderful woman in my church out of the blue and by the "Ish Man" as he told me his Bible verse (Jeremiah 29:12) and about Jonah and "Ninva."

I know there are a lot more, but these are the ones which are sticking out to me at the moment. Coming home isn't always easy for me. Maybe because I'm so far away or maybe because I'm not longer the girl I was when I left but at the same time I am. Sometimes I love coming home and sometimes I hate it. But regardless coming home reminds me of redemption. How God can take us and mold us and change us into who He desires us to be. Coming home reminds me of where He's brought me from, but it also reminds me that He's not nearly done with me yet. Which makes me smile so much :) So no matter where life takes me, I will always praise Him for Lake Placid and for His beautiful redemption.

On a different note I was reading about Wales' religious history. And for those of you who do not know this, but Wales is known as the land of revivals. However, the last revival occurred in 1905. One politician during the revival commented on it by saying this revival was "rocking Welsh life like an earthquake." When I read this it made me think of the story in 1 Kings 19 when God appears to Elijah. Elijah has fled from Jezebel, the queen of Israel who wanted to kill him. And God comes to Elijah and says why are you here. Elijah starts telling God how the Israelites have "rejected your covenant...put your prophets to death...and now they're trying to kill me, too." God tells Elijah to go and stand on the mountain because the Lord's presence is about to pass by. Elijah obeys and their is a powerful wind, but God isn't in the wind. And then there is an earthquake, but again God isn't in the earthquake. Then there is a fire, but God isn't in the fire either. Finally, there is a gentle whisper and God is in it. My pray is that God will come to Wales in the form of a gentle whisper. And ask you all to join in with me.

Much love in He who loves far beyond what we can comprehend :)

Learning to Trust

It's written in black pen at an angle in the margins of a Bible. I don't remember writing it, but it's dated 9-15-06. Though it is not noted I must have been reading Psalm 37:3-7, because those are the verses which are highlighted and underlined alongside of it. It's a simple prayer, only 2 short sentences long, which I have no memory of praying. However, it is a prayer that God has been answering for over 2 1/2 years.

This is how it reads:

Dear God,
I want to trust You, but I find myself unable to.
Help me.

I look back over my life from the time I wrote this prayer and I can vividly see how God has answered this prayer...but in ways I never would have expected or even for that matter chosen for myself. I remember often being told in youth group to be careful when praying for patience because you never knew how God would answer that prayer. But no one ever said this about trust. I think I assumed that by praying for trust it would simply mean that God granted me the ability to trust Him. Kind of like He would flip a switch and I would automatically be able to trust Him. However, this prayer was not answered quite that simply. This prayer has taken me on a journey where in spite of desperate search of certainty in my life, I am constantly surrounded my uncertainty. Even though it has been two years since I prayed this prayer, God still is bringing to a place where I am able to trust Him, even it is painful.

I write all this to remind myself and anyone else reading that God does answer prayers, but He answers them in His way. Though I can in no way boast that I am now able to fully trust God, anyone who knows me knows that is a lie, but I have been reminded by rereading this pray tonight that God is faithful. By learning to trust Him His way I am being brought closer to Him as I have to cling to Him in times of uncertainty, which seem to be the theme of my life lately. But yesterday I was reminded that God is faithful during times of uncertainty, even when I am not.

I wrote in my last blog that myself and the other intern had been put in the position where we would require visas to enter Wales and only had a short time frame to do so. I have been so excited about this opportunity and to be honest it really felt like the only certain thing in my life. I have been struggling a lot with uncertainty about my future and in some relationships. And instead of turning to God and asking Him to help me trust Him, I found it easier to complain to Him. So when this occurred I did the same thing. I remember asking Him why does this have to uncertain along with everything else. With departure time nearing in on me, I really began to worry. But yesterday I received word that they had found another way for us to enter the country. I kind of feel silly now for getting so worried over something God clearly had already worked out.

My prayer for Wales and for my life in general right now is the same one I don't remember praying back in September 2006. As it says in Psalm 37:3-7 -

Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in Him and He will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for Him
do not fret when people succeed in their ways
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

God is faithful. I have reminded of this a lot lately, but I am trying my hardest to cling this promise. Though His ways are not my ways, I believe with all my heart He has things planned for that beyond my wildest imagination.

Dear God,
I want to trust You, but I find myself unable to.
Help me.

Oh, it's a long one

Lately I feel as if I am the queen of good intentions with lack of follow through, so it does not surprise me that the blog which I had desired to post almost two weeks after my Wales Retreat is just now being posted. But I guess it happens...

Two weeks ago I was able to attend to the Wales Retreat in Rock Hill, SC. I joined the other intern, the teams coming to Wales for a week in July, and the short-term missions coordinator and his family for a weekend of training, fellowship, and worship.

I have decided I truly need to quit having imagining what things will be like...because they never turn out the way I imagine. I don't say that as a complaint, but rather as a revelation. I think I would enjoy life a lot more if I would simply allow God to surprise me. Things never turn out the way I imagine them. And God's surprises are always so much better.

Needless to say the weekend was not what I expected, but it turned out to be such a blessing and an encouragement. It focused a lot important aspects for going on a short-term mission trip such as being courteous, being encouraging, and being gracious. But in reality they were things I needed to be reminded of about living life in general. I really love going on mission trips. God always teaches me so much on them, but I often neglect living with the mindset that I am on a mission field regardless of where I am. My prayer is that in light of what I took away from the weekend I will continually strive to live my daily life as if I am on a mission trip. To live the next three weeks in Lake Placid with this mindset.

One of the most encouraging aspects of the weekend, besides meeting so many great people, was when several people who had been to Wales before each gave what they felt were the five most important things to remember when going to Wales. Here is they said:

1. Encourage the youth and show them how knowing Christ is an encouragement.
2. Being an American will cause me to stand out.
3. Establish friendships through Christ.
4. I may not always like what I am served to eat, but be grateful for it.
5. Pray constantly!
6. Pray - it is essential because it is all up to Him. Pray for patience and humility. Pray God is with my attitude.
7. Be filled with the word of God.
8. Be aware of my wits.
9. Embrace the culture...just enjoy being there.
10. Be ready to listen...just be there.
11. Be real! Be myself! Tell how God has worked in my life!
12. Pray for their heats and mine to be open to God.
13. Be patient.
14. Don't make false promises.
    

This list may seem daunting but I know God is with me and through Him I am able :)

Leaving the training I was excited about going, but I left with a big prayer request (however, I belong to an even BIGGER God), which I will get to later in this blog.

As of Sunday night when I returned, however, I still did not have a lot of the specifics of what I would be doing in Wales. I knew I would be living a missionary and working with a church in Pentrebach. Pentrebach is a village in the county Merthyr Tydfil. But that was it.

On Monday (April 27th) I did receive an e-mail from the missionary, Dottie, whom I and the other intern will be living and working with for the summer. Within this e-mail contained a lot of helpful information. She provided us with a schedule of what our weeks will look like while in Wales.
Sunday -
morning - children's church (ages 4-12) before the sermon for about 3-5 children
night - Coffee Shop where both myself and the other intern will likely share our testimony
Tuesday - Mother and Toddler's Group
Wednesday - Morning Prayer Time; Kidzone for ages 4-7
Thursday - Explorers for ages 7-10; Rocksolid for ages 11-16
Friday - Coffee Morning; Youth Group for ages 11-18

On June 27th there will also be a Pentrebach Fun Day which myself and the other intern will be helping with. We will might also be helping out at another church in Merthyr Tydfil and doing other activities with the youth in the church. I am pretty excited about it all :)

Now to the prayer request. I learned at the retreat that myself and the other intern would now be required to obtain a visa to enter Wales to due mission work. Apparently there have been some changes in immigration policies in the U.K. making it hard for people to come without it. The church we will be working with has to apply for to be an approved sponsor and then they had to submit both mine and the other intern's name to get a number. Once they have the number, they'll give it to us and we will then be able to apply for a visa. As of right now we are still awaiting to hear about the churches approval.

Please be praying that God will open the doors and that this situation will be resolved quickly. But more importantly pray that God's would have His name be made great whereever He places me and regardless of what happens that I would trust in Him.

It doesn't surprise me that there is uncertainity surrounding this trip. It seems to be playing a recurring theme in my life lately. I will get more into that in another blog because this one has ended up being quite lengthly. Thanks so sticking with it :)

Remember as you go through your day that you are on a mission field whereever God has placed you and that He is so faithful and full of a great love :)

Grace and peace,
Caitlin